I fell in love with a girl. But I honestly don’t know if she ever fell in love with me. I think she wanted to. I think she tried. But there were circumstances that clouded that for her.
We met under what I would call shady circumstances. I was the number 3 girl. And I didn’t know for what felt like quite some time. It was heart wrenching to discover that after developing feelings for her. I fought myself to stay or leave. I ended up staying and we were together for 3 months. I stayed because somehow through all that pain she caused me I still loved her. But I left because I loved her too.
The first month went pretty well. But then the most horrific and painful event of her life happened. Her father who meant the world to her passed away suddenly. The girl I fell in love with left me. The girl that remained looked the same but that fire in her was fading.
She would never again be able to hug him, hold him, say I love you or goodbye to him. Her world had been turned upside down. The stress of everything that came after simply caused a deeper and deeper whirlpool of depression she couldn’t escape. She wanted my comfort little. But when she did I was there. Mostly she pushed me away. There were times before her father’s passing when I thought things were shady. She was still very close to her ex that seemed to treat her all wrong. But I never pressed the matter. My philosophy was if she wanted me to know she would tell me. So it seemed more and more she did not want me to know what was going on. She pushed me so far away it took trying to break up with her 3 times for her to get the fact the she needed help.
From the beginning it seemed we were destined to fail. But the most amazing thing of all? I still love her. I still want to be that person she can run to. I want to be the person she calls first when some amazing or unbearable thing happens. I want to be the one she wakes up to. I want to be the one she kisses and holds dear at night. I still believe there is hope. Maybe not hope for us, but hope for her to find someone who can be all those things she wants and needs.
I understand the meaning of letting that person go now. Letting go is one of the hardest things we must overcome as human beings. I understand that pain on a deeper level now. But I am also much stronger than I once was that the pain is bearable. I know there is happiness on the horizon for her and I. It may not be together, but we will each find happiness in our own way.